—the enigmatic R. Kelly
—the enigmatic R. Kelly
Contemplating what song I should play when I quit my job…narrowed it down to “Touch the Sky” by Kanye West which elicits the classic feelings of elation from the robust trumpet driven melody
OR the more dark track “Deuces” by Chris Brown, which is a bit more sensuous yet is still able to embody the message of dealing with bullshit that is left for the birds, hating liars, and hanging out with a new chick Paula Patton thick (last part may/may not apply to this situation).
There is also the wildcard favorite “Rack City” which, as I have previously mentioned, includes one of the most relatable lyrics of spreading “ten ten ten twenties on dem titties bitch”.
Anyways, the hard part’s almost over. What comes next is the tricky bit. Therefore I have thought very carefully about alternative career paths for somebody with my skill sets.
Potential Career #1:
Hand Model—Having spent much time being in my body (I have not yet had an out of body experience but I believe this will come soon: either while driving and ending up in an accident which is all too forebording/too predictable or when I use hard drugs which I plan on doing when I realize all my friends have whiskers and cough up furballs) I have come to realize that I have pretty good looking hands.
I don’t want to be douchey but my hands are basically what glove manufacturers have in mind when they imagine a dainty lady’s hands/goddess’s/mermaid’s without the prune.
According to this article I read detailing the career of a hand model, it is a very lucrative career although somewhat demanding. You must be able to hold items for long periods of time and bear the light and cameras filming you for a while.
So what’s holding something for 2+ hours if I can make $1,200 a day or some shit like that.
After reading this article I thought I was set. The requirements for a pair of perfect female hands were long, slender fingers (definitely), lack of bumps/bruising (totally) and plenty of moisturization (nothing Vaseline can’t fix).
Then my eyes fell upon the last paragraph which described the total exclusion of specifically hairy knuckles.
Back to the drawing board then.
I’m pretty sure I need a new laptop because every link I click on gives me a pop up with cartoon asian girls that are half naked…
Uggghhh so I gave up carbs for Lent which means I am always perpetually hungry/feeling weak/uncool/wanting to slap a hoe.
JK, it’s really not that bad. I have pretty great self restraint and have not had any cravings. The only downside is I have no idea what to eat so I have to try foods that I don’t normally venture into.
For example, now I eat tons of yogurt which I normally do not eat due to my insecurity around dairy products. I mean WebMD says the reason why my stomach is upset is because my gut doesn’t have the correct bacteria to break down this food, but I really think it’s tapeworm…
I really hope my body changes so that if I cut my head off, the paramedics will think it is Giselle Bundchen (eff I’m too lazy to google search correct spelling). I realize that makes no sense because she is probably a lot taller than I am…I also realize writing this I sound incredibly shallow, as if all I think about is my appearance. BTW MY PIMPLES ARE GONE FUCK DA HATERZ!!!
Well I spent this Sunday researching grad schools because honestly, I am quite unhappy with my current job (I know, a lot of whining..eek) and I really in my heart believe that God did not give me certain talents to be put in a cubicle.
I mean you wouldn’t put the Mona Lisa in a shed now would you?!?!
I know I have to get myself out of this one, but the world don’t make it easy.
I am quite appreciative that I have all of my limbs, was not abused and fed dog food as a child, am not allergic to chicken and have regularly scheduled bowel movements. So I guess it’s not all that bad.